“I’m sick of being walked all over”: We interviewed Oxford Road bike lane

An exclusive interview with the Oxford Road bike lane has revealed that the cycle path beloved by cyclists all over Manchester has “finally had it” with pedestrians. 

“Honestly, I’ve had enough. I’m not a doormat,” the green-painted cycle-way told reporters from The Whip. “The sheer volume of idiots who wander aimlessly about on top of me is ridiculous. It’s like they don’t even see me. Or the 20 angry cyclists about to run them over.” 

“It’s apparent that for all the colourful paint, signs, zebra crossings, cat’s eye reflectors, Belisha beacons, armadillo bike lane delineators and the one thousand fucking bikes up and down me every day, students are unable to remember that there’s a bike lane between the pavement and the bus stop outside Sainsbury’s. Maybe they’re hungover or something.”

The bike lane’s outcry has sparked additional protests from pedestrian-swamped thoroughfares. The Piccadilly Gardens tram line was the first to break the silence. 

“This city has a pedestrian problem,” one Bombardier M5000 Metrolink light rail passenger vehicle told our reporters. “Fortunately, I’ve found their weakness – they all seem to do a brisk and embarrassed little jog when they get honked at. Beep beep, suckers.”

The Oxford Road bike lane has been working with the council and pedestrians since the allegations came to light in the hope of finding a solution. “Pedestrians will make the first move,” according to a spokesman for the Mayor’s office, “as they have the right of way.”