An on-shift thief reportedly experienced severe mental and emotional trauma after breaking into a filthy student abode last night.
The tenants, who all study computer science, believe that the mystery menace was attracted to their property by multiple Apple Macs, an ajar bay window and a general ‘metallic’ smell. Upon seeing the inside of the building however, the disgusted criminal in question decided the only option was to break back out of the house.
The Whip understands a flat of nearby students witnessed the burglar scaling the drain pipe and entering the first-floor bedroom before phoning the police.
Our sources also revealed that the burglar took himself to
A&E in the early hours of yesterday morning. Believing that the break-in
exposed him to some extremely harmful bacteria, the delirious home invader had
to be restrained by hospital staff after refusing to sit down and continuously
shouting ‘I’m covered in mould, get it off me! I don’t want to end up like the
After being discharged today, The Whip caught up with the perpetrator to get the lowdown on the grime-ridden residency.
“There was a Cluedo board with ketchup and mustard all over it piled on top of loads of unwashed laundry” he recalled gingerly. “The hallway banister was fashioned into a crucifix and attached to it was an inflatable Ainsley Hariott doll. I literally don’t even know how to explain some of the things I saw.”
He continued “There were three month old now-liquid steaks dripping from the fridge and the smell was putrid. I think one of the students had tried to be funny and used it to write ‘TAKE THAT PETA’ on the wall. I’m scarred for life.”
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