Woke seminar girl can’t decide what she loves more: socialism or the sound of her own voice

Property (of opinions other than mine) is theft!

Most students’ dilemmas are pretty basic: should I eat this, should I do that, should I sleep with my university tutor to secure a 2:1 etcetera etcetera. However, second-year student Carly Markson’s dilemma is altogether more distressing, one she herself likens to Neo’s choice between the red pill and the blue pill.


Her dichotomy is a tale as old as time itself, the choice between narcissistic egomaniacal power and theories of social ownership, justice and equality.


Markson unexclusively told The Whip exactly where her villain-origin-story began.


“I was on a roll in my last seminar: whilst all the other students probably woke up and had a latté-ccino or whatever, I’d been learning Das Kapital word-for-word since 3am. I’m pretty sure I understand what it means, but it doesn’t really matter because it makes me sound like. ‘No. I AM an undiscovered genius.’”


“The next thing I know my tutor looked me dead in the eyes and dismissed me from the class saying he’d see me next Tuesday, which shows how unfit he is to be a professor anyway because our seminar is on a Monday,” she let out a triumphant sigh and adjusted her khaki beanie, emblazoned with the word ‘A N A R C H Y’ in gothic typeface.


As the incessant rambling continued, it seems clear that she has made her choice already.


The Whip reporter managed to slowly back away, ears and face bleeding and covered in spittle respectively.


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