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Flatmate who never buys milk or butter gutted not to have been offered a role in Parasite

The butter barnacle strikes again.

When it comes to minor purchases, every little helps in the suffocating emptiness of life in a student house. However, as the rest of us are tossed relentlessly around the endless communal house-purchase cycle, one 22-year-old engineering student has devised a cunning system to evade any kind of financial contribution, whilst continuing to lap up the supply of Cravendale undetected.

The Whip caught up Tom Moonlighter in the early hours at his Hyde Park house. Refusing to remove his balaclava or Clover-smeared black gloves, he opened up about his methods, and how the ‘Screen Actors Guild Award for Outstanding Performance by a Cast in a Motion Picture’ given to ‘Parasite’ last week was in fact rightfully his.

‘I have a system. According to my data, the safe zone is any time between 01:00 and 07:00.  I can swiftly nip up the stairs from my basement room, and feast away to my heart’s content. From the fridge, you can see it all. Over your left shoulder, in the reflection of the kettle, you can see the entire hallway; anyone comes in through the front door and you know about it. Over my right, the living room doorway and the bottom of the stairs. There’s no blind spot. Once the coast is clear, tuck in.’

It was at this point that, after his head had swivelled rapidly between all possible entry points to the kitchen, he launched into an abrupt dive roll which skidded to a halt next to the table. An outstretched gloved hand gestured towards an open tub of butter in the darkness.

‘See this? I’ve nabbed 307 grams of this since last Thursday, and the pathetic drones upstairs don’t have a fucking clue. Who’s the real parasite? That film could have been so much more.’

By the time we pointed out that Tom couldn’t speak Korean, he had darted between us and had scuttled into a crack between the kitchen tiles.

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