In this increasingly hollow and contactless world – shout-out to Apple pay, Coronavirus and perpetual Tory government – it would appear one lucky student has managed to salvage the remaining shreds of decency, human contact and love, The Whip can report.
Em Motion regaled to us her seemingly fairy-tale story. “Do you want to tell it or should I?” the second year Economics student began, apparently directing her question at a boy sitting 10 chairs down the Brotherton Main Floor 2 human-centipede-circular. When her ‘boyfriend’ failed to respond, Em rolled her eyes, “okay Mister pretending-to-ignore-my-existence” she giggled insidiously, “that’s a little bit we do, that’s so US!”.
“We are so alike!” Motion went on, “we both go to Bakery 164 for lunch, we both drink water from Chilly bottles, we both go to the University of Leeds… need I continue? I’m not saying we’re perfect, earlier he was chatting to another human female – my first thought was liar, cheat, bastard! But she didn’t have enough stamina and eventually left for a lecture, the bitch, so we are now fully exclusive.” Em has reportedly missed five hours of contact time to make the most of this honeymoon period.
“We have been literally inseparable! All day, stolen glances in the reflection of his MacBook Pro… ahhhh, and they say romance is dead! I can’t say I’ve got much work done mind you, if you know what I mean,” Motion ranted on, winking psychotically at our reporter.
“Grr Cupid!” she laughed, proceeding to shake her fist at an imaginary infant angel in the sky.
Tragically, in an act of heart-rending betrayal, Em was later left drowning in pathos as her anonymous love slipped slowing away during an extended coffee break.