BBC Licence Fee, Deliveroo dinners and taxis to nights out added to list of things students support in principle but don’t like paying for

Do as I say not as I do.

The student is a fickle creature. Prone to regular moral crusades and virtuous protests, and yet regularly lacking in both conviction and consistency.

The Holy Trinity of student shithousery – “Nah, they only send those letters to prang you out”, “Correct, the katsu spilt all over the bag” and “Faarck it’s so jarring and weird, Uber just don’t accept my card” – can be routinely heard recycled around university campus’s nationwide.

This intrinsically shameless nature necessary to deliver a self-righteous doctrine to the masses whilst simultaneously lacking in any measure of self-commitment has been a trend that has mystified sociology experts for years.

“We ran all kinds of psychological tests in the lab but we still didn’t have a scooby snack” perplexed scientist, Ronald Dump told The Whip, brow deeply furrowed. Dump went on, before scoffing, “I started to think this mystery was one that even Fred and the gang would struggle to solve!”

Tempering his titter, Ronald continued, “We wired up countless students and challenged them on their views on a range of topics, covering BBC staff cuts to Facebook birthday donations.”

“What we found was that they talk a good game initially, but when it comes down to proper scenario-based questions, the facade comes crumbling down and we know that they’re lying.”

Having seemingly covered all bases, in what has been described by the science community as a maverick move, Dump and his team began to run some physical tests on students instead.

“What we found was pretty astonishing. Every single one of the test subjects were missing a key interlocking vertebra that is needed to form a fully functioning backbone.”

“Turns out their spineless, the lotta them!”

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