After just scraping a third on his ‘Introduction to English’, one fresher, Brett Tension, was seen desperately trying to establish his above-average intelligence elsewhere by educating his flat mates on why ‘Hyde Park’ was technically called Woodhouse Moor.
The lecture, which also covered the correct use of the word ‘whom’, was described as “the only thing worse than spending a night out at Popworld.” Another anonymous flat mate also stated, “I don’t care if it’s called Hyde Park or Woodhouse Moor. I just know that after hearing Brett’s lecture, I hope someone stabs me there, so I never have to hear his stupid Surrey accent again.”
Whilst the forty-five-minute lecture was ultimately received with negative reviews, Brett smugly stood by it as Whip reporters caught up with the twat himself for more.
“If I didn’t do it, they would have been told eventually, it’s a very serious topic. It’s 2020, people expect to be called by the right names so why shouldn’t we extend those rights to one of Leeds’ most iconic and beautiful landmarks too? Plus, they sounded completely ridiculous just like when they used effect instead of the correct affect. Honestly, it’s a wonder that anyone can actually understand a word that comes out of their mouths. It’s all for their own benefit really, they’ll thank me later.”
His flat mates’ thanks did eventually come; however, it came in the unconventional form of them signing a house without Brett several days later and only telling him with via a brutally worded message in the group chat. Despite the fact he might be homeless in the upcoming year, Brett reassured us he had the last laugh:
“They spelt ‘No-one actually fucking likes you’ with a hyphen when everybody knows it’s actually just two separate words. So yeah, I’d say I’m the real winner here.”