As forty days of solemn religious observance begin in the Christian calendar, churchgoers around the world eschew favourite foods, items of luxury or things that provide comfort to pay respect to Jesus’ forty days and nights of fasting.
This year – in an act of faith rarely encountered in this Godless, hopeless folly we like to call ‘the present’– one particularly pious and also downright exhausted History student has decided that for Lent, she will simply give up.
Contacted by The Whip, the destitute student – Samantha Prude – was happy to divulge the reasoning behind the decision.
“Honestly, I just can’t be fucked,” replied Samantha to our initial question of why she’d chosen to give up for Lent.
“Last year I did chocolate, the year before that I did fizzy drinks but this year it just feels like the perfect thing to give up is my continued internal monologue telling me not to give up.
“I mean, look at me,” she continued, staring blankly in to the middle-distance, words aimed at no one in particular, eyes glazed but hands frantically tearing up a little piece of paper.
“I have no money; I am constantly exhausted; I’m behind on my diss; I still have fucking mid-term essays to do; I’m supposed to be going on the ski trip in Easter but I know I won’t be able to enjoy it because all I’ll be thinking about is my diss…
“…Jesus spent forty days and forty nights in some desert in Judea and had to survive a little bit of temptation from Satan, I’ve got to do all that shit whilst also supposedly maintaining a social life, washing myself, feeding myself three times a day. You tell me which one’s the real miracle.”
“It’s too much, I – to reiterate – can’t be fucked, so I’m giving up. Does that answer your question?”
Our reported decided that, yes, in fact, it did answer his question, and quietly snuck away; internally starting to question whether his call to give up lager beer from 3pm to 7pm on Mondays, Tuesdays and Thursdays constituted a worthy sacrifice.