‘Help a girl out’: Hungover fresher posts on Clifton and Stoke Bishop Tickets after losing U-Card, phone and left kidney on night out

Not to be used for advertising or in a defamatory context Scar on the abdomen of an adult female patient, one month after removal of the kidney (nephrectomy). The kidney was removed because of cancer (carcinoma).

We’ve all been there: one minute you’re in Lola’s, dancing the night away with gay abandon, and the next, you’re awake in a bathtub full of ice with a suspicious scar on your lower abdomen; silly sausage! Foolish first year Luce Keys launched a plea to the Clifton and Stoke Bishop Tickets community after finding herself in this very scenario last Tuesday evening.

Our Stoke Bishop correspondent interviewed the undergraduate, to find out how such a calamity could befall an innocent fresher.

“Literally don’t know where any of my shit’s gone,” Keys reflected, looking forlornly into her double espresso, “I was so trollied last night that my wallet could be anywhere between Hiatt Baker and Cabot – it’s anybody’s guess.”

“I remember talking to some blokes, something about harvesters and triads, guess I just assumed they were a musical bunch who really dug a carvery, and who can blame them! I felt fully mugged off in the morning when I found out they’d nabbed my kidney, how am I going to get lashed now? Or is that the liver? Either way, it would be nice if they gave it back once they’ve finished with it.”

Luckily, a well worded plea to the Clifton and Stoke Bishop Tickets community sorted everything out in no time. Not only did some unnamed hero find her wallet and phone in the Lola’s ladies toilets, but also revealed that her kidney had been found for sale in a Cambodian underground market for 50,000 US Dollars (cash only).

Fortunately, it only took a quick Facebook direct message and an Interpol-backed armed police raid to ensure that all belongings were returned safely to their recipient.