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Disaster as library eye-fucking leaves student half-blind

Students are advised to refrain from the practice

Low commitment, acceptable in public and a significantly reduced risk of pregnancy, eye-fucking has become popularised in recent years as a safer alternative to regular fucking.

However, much like with vaping, asbestos and communism, we are realising all too late just how worried we should have been. The Whip interviewed Tess Coates, frequenter of the ASS library and casualty of the phenomenon.

“It was 2am, some people were packing up, some people were weeping uncontrollably onto their keyboards and then packing up. I’d scheduled my daily cry for a few hours before, so I was all good, but my essay was getting tedious and I was looking for a distraction.”

It was then that Tess saw him across the room. He wanted to remain anonymous, but I want doesn’t get so we said no, his name is James. “We locked eyes and there was an instant connection, I felt alive” Tess continued.

“That’s when it all went wrong. I’d never eye fucked before but when James jabbed his penis into my eye I got the feeling we’d made a wrong turn”.

“Erotic as it was, I immediately lost vision in my left eye and never regained it. My contact lens is still missing…”

Tess has been unable to return to the ASS since the incident, scared of compromising her one remaining functioning eye. The Whip send our condolences to her and anyone standing to her left at this difficult time.

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