Late last night, the University’s Accommodation Office’s found itself mired in crisis as it emerged that first-years J’amie Clique and Millie Onquid, both 19, had discovered an anomalous resident roving Hiatt-Baker Hall. Visibly shaken, they spoke exclusively to The Whip early this morning to explain what happened.
At 7pm they spotted Joan Smith, 18, walking toward a bedroom in A-Block. They had never seen her before, and she was dressed strangely – “in, like, jeans, and shoes.” She was speaking into “a phone – but definitely not an iPhone, it had these buttons on it – in a strange dialect.”
After a quick struggle, the two girls managed to detain Joan. Bravely, they tied her to the door and stuffed her mouth with chiffon torn from Onquid’s blouse “so that she couldn’t call in for back-up or detonate anything, you know.”
Fortunately, it quickly emerged that this poor loser was not a threat and not intruding through any fault of her own.
To communicate, the two girls asked her to write out the answers to their questions as it “was absolutely impossible to understand literally anything she said. Surprisingly, she had enough English to write out some answers, but she swore and wrote nasty things. She was probably confused – poor thing.”
They discovered that this “weird country-bumpkin” had accidentally been made a Hiatt-Baker resident at the start of the year. Hailing from some “hinterland shit-hole between the M25 and a poor person’s airport that I’ve already forgotten the name of”, the girls concluded that the university must have committed a devastating clerical error to damage the integrity of Hiatt-Baker’s monochromatic make-up.
“We want answers. What this implies, we think, is that there must be some cool North-Londoner marooned down in city-centre in a whole Prince-and-the-Pauper type deal. Can you imagine? We’re coming for you darling. Stay strong.”