Hypochondriac much? Harvey Weinstein to self-isolate for 23 years

Following yesterday’s declaration of COVID-19 as a global pandemic, reports have emerged of several drastic cases of self-isolation. One such case is that of the disgraced Hollywood producer and all round piece of shit, Harvey Weinstein.

Several news outlets confirmed that the man who looks like the bit of skin on your elbow that goes all saggy and gross when you extend your arm (what’s that called?) will be self-isolating in a jail cell for at least 23 years. It is possible that this is in response to a justified fear of karmic retribution exacting itself on the twat.

Either way, Weinstein will not be participating in society for quite some time, which is possibly the best piece of news of the last week. He could not be reached for a statement, so The Whip thought we’d take this opportunity to list other people we would like to self-isolate:

Jeff Bezos, Dominic Cummings, any murderers or people with an urge to harm others, the ticket inspector who didn’t accept a picture of my railcard and my ID as valid proof of the fact that I had a railcard and I just forgot it, and all hate groups.