Early this morning, The Whip can report, a whirring, screeching sound roared from outside HFC. Upon reaching the scene, our reporter noticed a startled student in dungarees and a beanie stumbling around vacantly on the pavement. Admittedly, this is not a rare sight on Brudenell Road, but eager not to miss a story, she decided to find out investigate further and asked him to explain what he had witnessed.
“When I first spied the vehicle carving around the bend at the top of the road I thought ‘fair enough, he’s got places to be, don’t we all? Probably left the oven on,” said the visibly shaken Courage McDaniels, a second year biochemistry student.
“Well, anyway, the police trundled round the corner shortly after him and they seemed to be in a rush too, heading the same way, if decidedly slower. High speed pursuits are quite common round here, kind of comes with the territory, you know. That’s what Gavin the estate agent said at least.
“Moving on, I step out to cross the road, and next thing you know there’s an almighty clap of thunder as the maniac sails right past me at an ungodly speed! When I look down, I see that he’s taken off half of my matsutake quinoa and kale baguette with his wing mirror!
“So now obviously I’m fuming because not only am I still peckish, but I’m now also deaf in both ears. You couldn’t write it.”
The CCTV footage from the adjacent Post Office has since been analysed, and the police have revealed that the driver in question had in fact been at travelling at 16 times the speed of sound, and had reached Bradford by the time officer PC Plod in pursuit had managed to groan up to 24 hour Sainsbury’s.
It is now thought that the Fiesta was powered by Nitros Oxide, incinerated business cards and the sounds of Street Nation 2010.