As political tensions rise on campus Public Health England issued a warning today that hyper-politically engaged students should be wary and take sensible precautions as the SU election results draw closer.
From Stoke Bishop down to Riverside and even out to Langley the candidates’ U1 buses, bicycles and reportedly even one scooter have been criss-crossing the student population, shaking hands, kissing freshers and breathing heavily in their desperate bids to become chair of a committee or whatever. This, naturally, poses a significant risk of cross contamination. However, the primary concern remains, according to experts, the vast rallies almost every candidate is planning, win or lose.
“With their known power to unite literal dozens of people from across the political spectrum, from far left to further left, these events really do have the potential to cause a lot of cross contamination,” said PHE spokesperson Gavin Fife “besides which nobody will ever ask a friend to go to one with them, so these will all be people who haven’t met before.”
Speak on the issue Union Affairs candidate Rory Bristruths said “I don’t care, about this or anything else. I am a vacuous nihilistic impersonation of a parody candidate. I have hollowed the usual core of naïve but well-meaning sincerity which fills these candidates and filled it with a deluge of humour so self-referential it has lost all context of comedy. Plus, my weirdly high budget mask has a HEPA filter so I’ll be fine.”
More updates as they arrive.