At a time when the world is in turmoil battling the outbreak of a deadly virus, some people would be forgiven for feeling worried at the possibility of an impending apocalypse. However, one regular of a well-respected local Hyde Park drinking establishment is taking sweet comfort in hard, solid facts, and the reliability of a hoppy craft beer from downt’ trusty Brudders, The Whip can report.
“I mean, calling it Corona, what were they possibly thinking?” cried Martin Maltsmuggler, a one legged, 24 year old, post-uni floater, dressed in (surprise surprise) a Carhartt jacket.
“I know it tasted bad before, that commercial nonsense,” he told our reporter, “but I’m fairly sure heavy breathing, a whole load of coughing and a racing temperature isn’t a good look when you’re just trying to ingratiate yourself with Kevin the local over a grapefruit flavoured half-pint and a game of snooker!”
Clasping his oppressively new-wave IPA and basking in the glory of the joke he’d now told for the eighteenth time that day, Maltsmuggler went on.
“No, I’m just having a laugh! I’m so post-modern! No, Brewdog hasn’t been the same since everybody started drinking it. But, if I’m honest – all this talk of doom and gloom just makes me thirsty for a micro-brewed, overpriced glass of baloney. It’s all in the hops!” he then cried, proceeding to hop. “Aha, it’s funny because I’ve only got one leg! I actually lost it in a brewing accident – it sadly drowned in the pretentiousness of it all, my leg.
“Wowzer, sipping on my zesty Kirkstall Pale and watching those mega-brewery stocks tumble yesterday was truly marvellous. I really hate that all cheap commercial stuff… yes, yes, hold on a minute, aha, admittedly, I’m from Surrey and my dad’s a banker, but is that strictly relevant? Viva la craft revolution!”