Absolute legend panic-buys 100 condoms, reckons he’ll need more next week

As shelves around the Whiteladies Road area become vacant of toilet roll, fusilli and Rizla, rumours are emerging that a first-year Hiatt Baker dweller has taken a novel new approach to ‘stock-piling’.

Friends of first year Geographer Miles Bentley are referring to him as the ‘cock-piler in chief’ in response to recent antics. The new nickname arrived after he was witnessed by staff at Sainsbury’s on Queens Road hurriedly gathering up all the Durex Ultra Thin Feels he could get his hands on.

Sainsbury’s store manager Bert Smith gave The Whip his exclusive thoughts…

‘After our shift finished on Friday night, I got all the staff to gather round the screens in the backroom to view this entertaining CCTV footage. At first we noticed him mopping his brow, not due to COVID-19, but actually due to his stress surrounding the situation!’

‘Firstly, he had one of our baskets – empty – and was prowling the toiletries aisle, having quickly scanned the covers of the gossip mags a few metres away. Then, he deployed a unique scooping action to gather as many Durex boxes as he could.’

After he agreed to speak to The Whip, we were keen to press Bentley on his thoughts on social distancing. He told us, ‘Mate, honestly, forget social distancing. Coronavirus or no coronavirus, you think any girl can resist me and my massive dong? After all, I’m a Bentley – a top of the range, finely-tuned machine. Who am I to deny her a ride?’

Next, Miles told us he’d be taking a trip to Ann Summers, with the hope of purchasing their famous penis-shaped pasta. Bentley said this is to protect him in the event of normal shops running out of pasta, and to turn self-isolation into what he termed a ‘coronavirus cock-fest’ – legend.

The Whip asked The Student Health Centre if they had any advice or guidance for students looking to ‘self-isolate and chill’. They told us: ‘What? No, absolutely not. That defeats the entire point of self-isolation.’ Food for thought indeed.