Leeds’ first non-money laundering ice cream parlour opens in the union

In addressing the real issues, Leeds University Union has decided to bestow upon the student population yet another ice cream parlour, taking the total number to over 30 in a city where it rains 173 days a year. With only a few weeks left of Lent, efforts are clearly being ramped up to ensure that as many people as possible disappoint themselves.

However, with the installation of this Hyde Park staple in the heart of the university’s campus, there has been some questions raised. Is this seemingly sweet façade really just a mask for something darker?

We spoke to a representative from the Union, Jack Pott, who tried to calm nerves that the Union might become the site of illicit activity: ‘We know all the fuss that surrounds those ice cream shops in the student area, but seriously guys, it’s just a fucking ice cream shop. The very idea that we would disobey the law is outrageous.’

It seems however that not everyone is convinced, as The Whip caught up with one student, to get their opinion on the matter

‘They must think I was born yesterday’, scoffed the savvy Criminology student, ‘but I’ve watched enough of The Ozarks, plus taken a module in Forensic Psychology in first year, to see what is really going on beneath the surface’.

‘Sure, they laugh at the idea of money laundering, but that just means that there is something even worse that they’re trying to cover up. They’ve tried to fool us with that hilarious punny name, but we must stay vigilant. That ‘innocent’ shop is a front for something truly evil…’

‘Only time will tell. They seem pretty confident now, but they will slip up, and I’ll be there when they do. Waiting, watching, wondering…’