Lonely lecturer gives student mark of 69 and a winky face

With the arrival of dreary mid-term assessments comes the ever-nerve-wracking anticipation of the release of marks, this combined with the looming prospect of upcoming self-isolation leads to times devoid of cheekiness and cheer. In these times of gloom, it is easy to forget the true heroes of today: uncomfortably lonely creepy lecturers who keep you on your toes during seminars.

In an exclusive for The Whip, we spoke to Marv Moore, a lecturer who recently gave one of his female students a mark of 69 and a winky face. In the feedback rubric, the student was told she narrowly missed a first because whilst one perspective in the essay reached a satisfying climax, the other one was awkwardly dragged on with no resolute finish. In spite of this, she was commended for ‘Generously paying attention to both sides of the argument.’

We caught up with Marv outside the front of the Priory Road Complex after his lecture, where he frequently borrows students’ lighters, smokes Marlboro Lights and awkwardly hovers around their conversations. He told our correspondent that ‘I probably could have given the essay a higher mark, but I was feeling a little cheeky and decided to give her the goddam sex number. In circumstances like these, a serious breach of academic integrity is a small price to let her know you’re into her. I wish I could have seen the look on her face!’

However, as the essay was on the ruthless genocide of a quarter of the Cambodian population in the 80s, the lecturer was unsurprisingly subject to disciplinary action for his saucy and sordid serenading.

We are yet to confirm whether the student warmed to his half-hearted advancements, however, perhaps it is safe to assume that this student took a long, cold shower after opening the ‘My Grades’ section of Blackboard, vowing to never attend the seminar again.