A UN court mandate has today announced that COVID-19 will be sentenced to 23 years of incarceration in what has been dubbed “the belly of the beast.” The pandemic, on account of being a global atrocity and a real dick, will serve 23-to-life inside one of the most unpleasant men north of Hell’s seventh circle.
The imprisonment is what many are calling a two-birds-with-one-bastard solution: neither benefits, both are punished, and the rest of the world can exhale lightly while sitting down on the sofa with a medium glass of wine.
Neither the parasite nor COVID-19 could be reached for a statement, as they were both too busy looking in the mirror and thinking about how they only had themselves to blame.
However, cries of joy have emanated among the wider population in the form of socially-distant street parties. In their front gardens, balconies and rooftops, people have been whooping, clapping, exchanging air-high-fives and virtual chest bumps. It has been likened to a child pretending to play football with their father who abandoned the family years ago, but less sad.