After the Prime Minister’s sombre address on Monday evening, one might think that the time for enjoying life’s little luxuries is behind us. However, The Whip was delighted to observe a former Bristol University student sticking the proverbial two fingers up to modest living, by indulging in a well-earned cigarette with her softest companions.
Jane Smoqure, the undergraduate in question, explained to our crisis correspondent why the decision was made to reach again for her Rizlas as in olden days.
“This self-isolation shit was really bumming me out” she rasped, “That is until I realised that hey – how can I be isolated, when all my old best mates are right here!” She exclaimed as she wheezily gestured towards a splintered shelf full of dusty, unloved stuffed animals.
“Now I’m not one of those people who chain smoke, that’s just silly” she tutted as she reached for her lighter, “But If everyone else is doing it, then yea fuck it I’ll join in! Who am I to piss in someone’s cornflakes by refusing to fuck up my lungs alongside them?”
However, when reached for comment, Hasbro plush unicorn Sir Sparkles Fuzzypants informed us of the real story.
“I’m afraid poor Jane’s been at it like a bloody chimney” he told us solemnly, “She claims she only smokes when others do it, but the only one of our lot who goes near the stuff is GI Joe, and that’s only because he was literally manufactured with a fucking cigar in his mouth. He’s been trying to get it removed for years “
“Mr Tiddles and I tried staging an intervention yesterday, but she just kept screaming “Chill! They’re only rollies!
“It seems Bristol has corrupted her beyond the point of no return.”
The Whip urges any stuffed animals with similar stories to come forward during this difficult period.