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Dominic Cummings to lengthen puppet strings to 2m to enforce social distancing

Better safe than sorry

Following reports that Boris Johnson has tested positive for coronavirus, many are wondering how the daily operations of government will change. While Boris’ virility means that he isn’t short of family members to support him in these difficult times, the question remains as to what this means for puppet master extraordinaire and perturbed baby owl lookalike, Chief Adviser Dominic Cummings.

Although never seen far from the Prime Minister, the ongoing global coronavirus pandemic means that this Machiavellian Mister Geppetto will now need to maintain the necessary two metres from Mr Johnson in order to adhere to social distancing.

But what exactly will change for Mr Cummings? Well, on a day-to-day basis, that whisper in the Prime Minister’s ear will probably need to become a ‘quiet conversational tone directed towards the general proximity of his ear’, which, in addition to not quite having the same ring to it, means the other people in the room will now have to endure listening to whatever crackpot idea Cummings thinks of next.

Social distancing will inevitably be difficult for a man who has a tendency to go back on his own word –¬†after calling for Whitehall to be staffed by greater numbers of ‘weirdos and misfits’ who weren’t educated at Oxbridge, who should Cummings choose but a eugenics-advocating Cambridge graduate. Well at least Mr Cummings got half of what he asked for.

With the COVID-19 situation expected to go on for months, Dominic had better get started on lengthening those puppet strings…

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