NHS frontline workers relieved to discover they only have to become prime minister to get tested

In recognition of their hard work and bravery, the UK Government has come up with a method of testing medical workers for COVID-19 which focuses on becoming Prime Minister of the United Kingdom.

The workers could not be reached at this time, presumably because they were busy sighing in relief at the excellent news. We have, however, attached the handy 6-Step-Guide-to-NHS-Workers-Becoming-Prime-Minister-and-Subsequently-Getting-Tested below:

Step 1: Forget your morals

Before we begin, breathe in through your nose, out through your mouth, and leave your morals in your mistress’ flat in Uxbridge. They’re like a chewy flab of bacon or an amino acid build-up in your artery. Trim the fat, lean your spleen, and you’re ready for step 2!

Step 2: Be born into lots of money

Remember when there were a couple of prime ministers who weren’t educated at institutions that require you have four last names and a horse? That’s old hat! Silver spoon is back in – the new divine right of kings – so work it, own it, love it. Internalised classism means that most people don’t really mind you’re a prat. In fact, they kinda subconsciously adore it! Sweet!

Step 3: Get weird with it

Get stuck on a zipwire, write bigotry in national publications, have innumerable children, hell, don’t tuck your shirt in on telly! If you throw enough shit at the fan, the fan breaks – and then what are the liberals gonna do?

Step 4: Fearmonger

Much like other mongers (fish, etc.) you want to flog your wares by shouting at people, exploiting the right-wing press, and preying on the nation’s deepest anxieties. Just remember, if you’re ever unsure what to do, imagine it is fish you are marketing, not fear, and you won’t feel as guilty.

Step 5: Become prime minister by default

Get in on a technicality, make them think you’ll do for now, and then repeat step 4 ad nauseam.

Step 6: Get tested for COVID-19

Result! You’re in, you’re tested, and it comes back positive – what a relief.

*Fun fact: Eton, Oxford and Bullingdon is an anagram for Adolf gun, London tinderbox. Let us know what you think of that in the comments below!