The father of a University of Bristol student surprised his family yesterday after deciding to build an entire relationship with his son out of sheer boredom. The decision sent ripples through the markets, with B&Q’s share price rallying after the parent in question purchased all the necessary equipment needed to perform such a task.
Staff at the hardware store who had seen the man’s receipt revealed he’d bought a heart-wrench, three emotional capacitors and 15 gallons of bond-strengthener.
The Whip caught up with the man, known affectionately by his immediate family as ‘Paul’, as he was chatting with his son in the garden.
“Hold that thought my boy, I’ll be right back,” he shouted, dashing away from his eldest child.
“No, no, you weren’t interrupting. No – nothing important, just something about his ‘sexuality’ or his ‘mental health situation’ or something. The sun was in my eyes – I couldn’t really hear.”
He was able to reveal what life was like in his new role as an in-touch father figure.
“It’s all been moving very fast. I actually only met them all for the first time last week when I was forced into leaving the office for the first time in three years,” he explained.
“Add that to the stresses of working from home, like learning how to use Slack and Google docs, and it’s a lot to take in all at once. Do you know two people can edit the SAME document at the SAME time?”
Paul looked daunted by the prospect of more familial construction.
“Who knows what’s next for me. It’s a really, really big house. At this rate, it’s anyone’s guess who else is in there. Is your mother still with me, son? God. I really miss the office.”