Student has wank, nominates three friends on Instagram to have wank too

In a concerning, worrying report that could have global implications, The Whip has understood that students across the country are now incapable of doing anything online without then tagging three mates and getting them to do the same thing.

Initially starting as a simple trend – a throwaway means of staving off the boredom and existential dread by students otherwise bereft of the educational resources they so desire ­– reports have emerged of students now unable to do any virtual activity without physically documenting it, and actively encouraging friends to partake.

In shocking and distressing footage that emerged last night, one girl (unnamed) was seen posting on her Instagram story through floods of tears and gritted teeth, “Thanks @Danni_22 for the nomination !! Just had a wank 😂 Your turn @topcat123 @Maxxx and @420FRANK.”

The Whip’s reporters can reveal that this is a major concern for government, which has increased the scale of its response to the online crisis. Having initially moved to try and contain the trend, word from Number 10 is that we are now very much in the delay phase.

Whilst it must be assumed that we will all develop at least slight symptoms; new studies have confirmed that some amongst us are highly susceptible and may even be super spreaders.

This group includes but is not exclusive to: people that have just broken up with their boyfriend/girlfriend, boys that think they’re good at football and doing a round-the-world with some toilet roll will make someone want to fuck them after lockdown, and girls whose Facebook cover photo is them stood in front of the neon lights on the rooftop at Headrow House.