Today, Leeds students received a long message from Deputy Vice-Chancellor Tom Ward concerning the long awaited news of whether the university would be implementing a ‘safety net policy’. As vast swathes of eager and semi-delirious students frantically logged into Minerva, they were met only with a screen scattered primitive syntax and undecipherable lexis.
The Whip contacted the Vice-chancellor for a comment.
“We first considered sending the email using plain English,” he chuckled, “but then we decided it would be far more appropriate to encode the truth of our students’ academic fate into Ancient Egyptian hieroglyphics. We did initially try to convey the message via the medium of smoke signals, but an inconvenient combination of national lockdown and wind rendered that particular method unusable.”
Understandably frustrated, the student body of Leeds reached out for online assistance in decoding the email in the hope that, somewhere amongst the mystifying disarray of idiographic carvings, lay a sentence along the lines of ‘yes, there is a safety net policy’.
After sympathising with the academics of tomorrow, The British Museum responded, and curated a team of linguistics and historians over a Skype call, where they consulted the Rosetta Stone – a 2000-year old granodiorite stele responsible decoding the linguistic history of ancient civilisations. After an intense hour of discussion, the Museum offered the following statement.
“These runes are of a level of vagueness so impressive, that the Rosetta Stone has now split in two, causing tremors along the earth’s Ley Lines. After over a century of deciphering ancient languages, we have never come across anything as uncertain, unclear and untranslatable as this. It’s unprecedented.”