Bristol UK

COBRA: Experts unsure how Boris Johnson could miss meeting with such epic name

“I’d understand him skipping SAGE, that sounds a bit herbal, bit preachy. But COBRA? COBRA’s totally punk-rock.” 

Today, experts of all stripes were at a loss as to explain how Prime Minister Boris Johnson failed to be lured to the totally wicked sounding COBRA emergency cabinet meeting. 

To the disbelief of nine-year olds, 80s action heroes, and middle-aged men everywhere, naming the meeting after a venomous animal did not seem to enhance its attendance or its productivity.

“I just don’t get it,” mused Scunthorpe resident Dave Steel, “GI Joe Rise of the Cobra is probably my favourite film, cos of the badass title. Not finished it yet, I keep rewinding to watch them good ones punch the bad ones good.”

Brian Belly, 53, a professionally vicarious 14-year old striker, chimed in: “The mere mention of an intimidating sounding animal always gets me fired up before a good day screaming at my son’s football team. I’m a bit let down by Boris here: for some reason I’d always thought we were kind of similar, despite, you know, the multitudinous differences in upbringing, advantage and global position of status. Both like a bit of fun! Or so I thought.

“I’d understand him skipping SAGE, that sounds a bit herbal, bit preachy. But COBRA? COBRA’s totally punk-rock.” 

When questioned about his absence, the Prime Minister gave the following response. 

“Look, I’m going to level with you here,” muttered Johnson shiftily. “Seriously, don’t tell Dom or any of the other guys but, the truth is – well – I find cobras really rather scary! Where are their legs? Wouldn’t trust a man with no legs, so why an animal?”

He continued tentatively, “I know I project this ‘tough guy’ image, but ever since Ludovico snuck his pet cobra into my bed at Eton, they’ve given me absolute jelly legs! When I received the invite to that ghastly meeting, the memories all just came rushing back.”

After leaving the room in tears, the Prime Minister’s private secretary informed our correspondent that the cabinet had been informed of the aforementioned incident, and that the name has since been changed to the less aggressive ‘Common European Grass Snake’ meeting, in order to ensure our sensitive leader’s attendance.

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