Taboo bouncer last man in Europe to hear about COVID-19

Whilst many people in these dreary times find themselves submerged in a deep melancholy, reminiscing about the clubbing times of old: the huge warehouse raves at motion, the intimate duttiness of Black Swan, the Fetlock-esque orgy at Gravity. However, it is easy to overlook how one club in particular remains completely unaffected by the lockdown: Taboo.

In an exclusive conversation with The Whip, Taboo bouncer Roy Nuckle told us how he found himself completely oblivious to the lockdown, making him the last man in Europe to hear about COVID-19. He tells our reporter: “I thought it was just a regular Friday night. In fact, we were actually quite busy: we had two people who called themselves ‘urban explorers’ venture inside wielding flashlights and DSLRs.” As a matter of fact, Taboo had two whole people venture inside, making Friday night the biggest since Halloween 2016. This was when a group of children went inside and played with a Ouija board for a dare. The fact that footfall that night was four children and a demented spirit, made it Taboo’s most successful night ever.

It may be easy to criticise this club for both its ignorance of the lockdown and incredibly low footfall, but when our reporter voiced this to the bouncer in question a touching response was birthed: “Taboo has never been about drawing in crowds nor even throwing a fun night, that just isn’t what we’re about. We’re more about shit music, incompetent staff and of course, acting as a front for money laundering.”