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Regrettable PPE surplus in cabinet

The last thing we need any more of

Today, Prime Minister Boris Johnson announced that the nation is in its ‘moment of maximum risk.’ As The Whip did not attend this press conference, we can only infer that this ‘risk’ is posed by the government’s cabinet, which is at its ‘maximum’ by having more PPE graduates in one Zoom call than could ever be wanted or needed.

Politics, Philosophy, and Economics, or PPE to friends, has for several years been a one-way ticket from Oxford to Her Majesty the Queen’s Government, calling at amorality, entitlement, and Slough. Matt Hancock and Rishi Sunak are a few of many graduates in the cabinet who probably read To Kill a Mockingbird and thought the ideas of ‘empathy’ presented were ‘interesting ones, for sure.’

The Whip spoke to Mr. Gynist, a professor of PPE at Hancock’s college in Oxford. While most of his speech was gargling, profanity, and golf jokes, he showed us a page of revision notes the health secretary to-be had drawn up for his finals. His professor had had them framed since.

The page was divided into three columns, Politics, Philosophy, and Economics. Under ‘Politics’ was scrawled ‘Whatever it takes.’ in a curious dried red ink with what looked like a pentagram next to it.

In the ‘Philosophy’ column were two quotes, “The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few – Spock,” and then one which we couldn’t understand because it was in German. Meanwhile, in the ‘Economics’ column, Hancock had simply written out the entire lyrics of ‘Baby You’re a Rich Man’ by The Beatles.

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