‘Man of the people’ reaffirms ability to ejaculate

The Prime Minister today reiterated his status as a real, job-doing, ‘man of the people’ type by once more successfully fulfilling his role in the active procreation of more people. This morning, The Whip can confirm, parliament’s most notorious member celebrated the birth of another Johnson.

Senior sources around Johnson are thought to be confident that this birth will represent a fresh milestone in Boris’ rebrand from scone-scoffing Tory to ‘just a regular working spunker like the rest of ya.’

The Whip was able to catch up with Johnson’s Director of Communications, the newly renamed Gary Ablet. He was practically brimming with joy

‘What a day for the British people! Commander-in-Spunk, the great Johnson wielding Boris, is back at it again, striking a blow for the ordinary man in the battle against the forces of demography,’ Ablet began.

‘Not only does Boris have a functioning penis, he also hates his job. Moreover, he is a massive fan of lager and all that other stuff you yobs are such suckers for, like for association football. He’s just like you, he’s just cleverer!

‘Pluck, spunk, spirit – the man has got the lot.’

At the time of press, Johnson is thought to be favouring a paternity leave that stretches until at least the end of 2021, preferably in the Caribbean.