Mischief bereft rugby lad strips, calls Mum slag, has one-night stand with own dog

Isolation has got people lusting for the things that were once an integral part of their routine. Bookworms miss going to the book shop, wormworms miss going to the worm shop, but no person is more at sea than Leeds University Rugby 3rd XV substitute tee-placer, Zachary Trunt-Clumpley, who has now endured seven (seven!) Wednesdays without stepping inside the hallowed Warehouse.

The Whip spoke to Zachary to see how he is trying to maintain some semblance of normality.

“Yah so one of the highlights of my week at Uni is getting absolutely rat-arsed at Mischief and sharking some freshers, but I’m not sure if you guys have read in the Telegraph, but Mischief and freshers are both like illegal now or something because of coronas or something?

“So, anyway, a few weeks into this lockdown thing I thought to myself – I wonder if I would walk differently if I cut off all my toes? And then I thought what if I recreate Mischief here in Surrey!? So, I just tried to do what I normally do but with some alterations given the circumstances”

In an eventful evening described by Zachary’s Mother as ‘deeply traumatic’, amongst the stripping and misogyny, Zachary downed 14 pints and a birdbath before stumbling back to his room with beloved Cocker-Spaniel Rufus for a night of what Zachary called ‘X-Rated pre-marital taboo jungle action’ and what Rufus described as ‘Woof’.

“It’s just nice to remind myself of the things that made me happy before all this,” Zachary told The Whip. “Egregious nudity, obnoxious sexism and bestiality. What a night!”