Property developers vow to ‘keep spirit of Lakota alive’ by overselling apartments and having nothing to do with Native American culture

Popular Bristol nightclub and humid micro-climate, Lakota, is set to close to be turned into apartments, offices, and the cutest little ramen joint, it was confirmed today.

Following the decision, made via Zoom call between all the bigwigs on Bristol City Council’s Development Control Committee, property developers Wright-Downer & Co. have issued a statement promising to ‘keep the spirit of Lakota alive’ in their development plans.

A spokesperson for the firm told The Whip, “Well we think it’s important to ensure the project is in keeping with the overall vibe of the Stokes Croft area. You might come home one day to find a man standing in your living room asking if you want to buy a nos balloon, and I think that’s part of what makes this project so unique.”

The architecture of the site itself, which includes a Grade II listed building, is to be maintained in any future development.

“As you can see from these blueprints, we intend to preserve the cross-gabled roofs and limestone window surrounds which are integral to the character of the building, and by that I mean they have absolutely nothing in common with how Native Americans have traditionally lived.”

When asked whether the developers have any regret over the closure of a club at the heart of Bristol’s nightlife, they responded, “Do we care about what..? The underground music scene? Do we fuck lol.”