Final year pleased to have excuse for imminent unemployment

This week, 2% seems to be the UK’s key figure to watch out for. It is the percentage by which the British economy shrunk over the first quarter of 2020, the result of the ‘Cuddliness of Dominic Raab’ YouGov poll, as voted for by the British public, and the proportion of University of Bristol graduates likely to find employment in the next 6 to 12 months. Lucky old them!

However, during the past week, The Whip has received an increasing number of reports detailing jubilant cries heard ringing across the home countries. Following further investigation, it became clear that with COVID-19 rendering the economy null, final year Bristol students no longer had to scramble for excuses as to why they failed to secure a job after graduation.

Our graduate correspondent interviewed Berkshire resident Magnus Hunter, to find out how exactly the pandemic has saved him from some tough conversations…

“To be honest, this pandemic couldn’t have come at a better time,” chirped Hunter, “I just couldn’t face telling my parents that even TeachFirst rejected me before the interview stage. I had this 4-part speech drafted, detailing how my across-the-board rejections had nothing to do with my numerous personality defects or 2:2 in Geography, and everything to do with unregulated capitalism, Brexit, and diversity quotas.”

“But now, this shutdown of the global economy has gotten me well and truly off the hook! In fact, I’d say it calls for a celebratory banana bread…”

However, Magnus’s father Reginald appears to have seen right through his son’s blame game.

“Oh, it’s COVID-19’s fault he’s unemployed is it? Pah!” he scoffed, “Little twerp couldn’t get a job rock-picking in a prison camp! He’s got the employment prospects of an expired turnip, with the personality to match. It’s all Bristol’s fault, 9 grand a year and that’s the sort of illiterate goombah they churn out? I’ll be demanding refunds from them AND from Radley College!” spluttered Reginald.

If a silver lining is to be found in these troubling times, it is perhaps that the eminent prospect of unemployment for the humble Bristol graduate need no longer be the brutal call for self-reflection it was in times gone by.