Trump relieved after being told that if your hand is bigger than you face you have coronavirus

It is a well-known fact than testing undoubtedly separates the sheep from the lions when it comes to how a country deals with coronavirus. Until now, the USA has comfortably lied within the former, bleating “fake news” and reassuring us Brits that “at least there’s one country doing worse than us.”

However, President Trump has recently asserted himself as a bold and ferocious lion: his woolly fleece has been sheared, leaving behind striking orange fur and an iconic mane in the form of a fitted yellow wig. He has recently confirmed he now knows the true formula for efficient, widespread antibody testing: if your hand is bigger than your face then you are a confirmed case of coronavirus.

This ground-breaking new discovery came when Trump encountered 4th grader Ryder Junior who, through a sea of sniggers, informed him of the diagnostic criteria. Trump was initially deeply relieved to find out that he himself did not have COVID-19, stating, “Well thank the lord for that, my grabbers are so tiny they can barely cover a watch face, let alone my actual face.” He then set about actioning this new form of revolutionary, guerrilla testing.

Trump immediately slashed funding for antibody testing, causing quite a stir amongst the experts. However, we mustn’t lose hope that Trump and his pocket-sized pincers will lead America out of this godforsaken crisis and restore the country to its full glory.