Student Affairs Officer caught texting everyone’s boyfriends

Today — The SU has been mired in controversy after it was revealed that the Student Affairs Officer, Mara Umble, had misinterpreted her role’s responsibilities. Confusion mounted online after she offered SU support to an anonymous Bristruth post. It read as follows: 

“Hi there, it’s Mara Umble, your student affairs officer. I see from this Bristruth, you’ve been seeing someone for quite some time but have recently hit a rough patch. That’s SUPER tough. Distance is really hard — I hear you. However (now, please, stop me if this comes across a little too personal, buddy), but, you must realise that your girlfriend sounds like a deluded, mental bitch, yes my love?

You probably already know that! Haha. But really — actually — there’s really (really!) no need to get into a tizzy about it. Don’t worry! We’ve got ya cuz!

Here at the SU, we have developed a neat teeny-weeny micro-solution to help keep those yummy love chemicals surging through your handsome brain, legs and so on and so forth — ME! The Student Affair Officer! 

Because I have had such a strong track record in supporting the student body in whatever position I find myself in, I’m happy to publicly pledge to be your filthy little secret from here on out. 

You’ve heard of the SU Living Room — meet me in the SU Red Room!”