‘We’re in a global pandemic, now is not the time for large gatherings’ declares gammon to multiple strangers in home

Demonstrations have been taking place across the UK in solidarity with the Black Lives Matters movement and to protest police brutality and racism. However, this has not stopped gammons everywhere suddenly becoming bothered about social distancing.

The Whip spoke to one such man, 46-year-old Dean Cattermole, who insisted on giving his thoughts on the protests.

“I was always naturally a bit wary of the protests, you know, systemic racism and that. My rule is: never bother with anything you can’t spell. That’s why I don’t have any GCSEs.”

“But it was only on Thursday night, when I was pulling my trousers back up over my arse crack after bending over to grab another can of Stella out the back of the fridge that I thought to myself: ‘Hang on Dean. These protestors ain’t two metres apart and are therefore in direct contravention of Her Majesty’s Government’s social distancing protocol, which exists to alleviate the spread of COVID-19.’ I hit the fucking roof.”

“I spent a bit more time mulling it over, but it was only the next day, while I was trying to remove the lit fag that had fallen out of my mouth and into the gaps in my patio paving in such a way that my fat gout-ridden fingers couldn’t pick it up that I thought to myself: ‘Hang on Dean. People should know about this.’

So yesterday I brought up the fact that these people were organising gatherings of more than five people when I was at my neighbour’s BBQ, which was a pretty genius time to bring it up cause there was about twenty-odd people there. They all knew I was a well-spoken intellectual because some of them nodded occasionally and Pete from number 42 blurted out, ‘You been reading the Daily Mail again, Dean?’ Clearly someone else recognised a quality news outlet when they saw it.”

It has been claimed that widespread use of face masks would allow protests to continue in a safer way, but Mr Cattermole was keen to give his take on face coverings.

“People say to me all the time, ‘but Dean, what if they all wear face masks?’ Nope, sorry. The only time you should be covering your face is A) when you don’t wanna get caught on CCTV causing a bit of trouble at Millwall away, and B) when you go down to Screwfix and get a dust mask cause you’re getting rid of the asbestos out the loft. Apart from that, don’t bother.”

“I was thinking how angry I’d be if I found out any of my kids had been at these protests, and that I should probably tell ‘em to steer clear, but it was only when I was staring at where the sunburn had blistered the skin around my new Three Lions tattoo that I thought: ‘Hang on Dean. I need to remember to check the winning lottery numbers.’ And then I lost my train of thought and that was it really.”