Homeless man pleased to hear government is willing to put roof over his head as long as he becomes racist statue

After more than a decade of austerity measures that have put many Britons into poverty, it appears the Conservative party are turning a corner. In a radical new housing initiative, Boris Johnson has promised four walls and a roof for any man/woman/child who also happens to be a twelve-foot bronze-cast statue of Winston Churchill.

Many have labelled this policy as ‘deeply insulting’ and ‘uncouth to say the least,’ but reports have emerged that one homeless man in Lambeth is thrilled by this promise. Michael Heinz has taken to ingesting copper and zinc at a ratio of 88:12 while shouting colonial bigotry at a lit cigar.

Mr Heinz spoke to The Whip about his endeavour,

“Well I’ve been on the streets for quite a while now, and the government has so far offered me more hostility than they have support, so I thought I’d try a different approach. Admittedly, I have some reservations about Churchill’s politics, he was a xenophobe, a colonialist, and while Indian volunteers fought for Britain during WWII, he ring-fenced their grain reserves and let millions die during the Bengali famine.”

“But an opportunity like this is one in a million, I’m already on a strict bronze diet, I’ve fashioned one of the two stilts, and I’ve swallowed my morality in the hopes it’ll make the government respect me.”