Bristol City Council renames Harbourside ‘Colston Falls’

Yesterday, following an anti-racism protest a group of protesters pulled down a statue in Bristol’s city centre. What was the crime of this unarmed statue? Only the enslavement and sale of 85,000 men, women and children. That statue of Colston was promptly tossed into the harbour and with a delightful plop and sent to its watery grave where it is expected that it will spend some time doing a bit of soul searching while exploring Davy Jones’ Locker. Colston was not available for comment, being both inanimate and submerged.

This morning, however, an old problem the protesters did not anticipate has reared its head. Bristol Council is reportedly “finding it jolly tough” to resist renaming Harbourside after Colston himself.

When shouted at for comment, Councillor Tom Magna explained that whenever historians find out that a place has had anything to do with a professional racist “who – at the very least – petted a dog once or something,” it has been Bristol’s policy to dedicate almost everything in the surrounding area to them.

“Obviously, with Colston being chucked into the Harbour, he’s now a big part of the area’s history. Tourists will certainly want to dive down to see him. It makes sense that we ought to rename it after him. It’s crucial not to erase this part of our history.”

“Look, I understand this all apparently bit touchy, but meet us in the middle? Are there any other slavers you wouldn’t mind us naming it after? Ok, would Powell Pier work? Oh, come on, really? Rivers of Blood has its aquatic themes!”

“What about Hitler Harbour?”