Student goes on to infect millions after being told by Mental Health Services to ‘keep positive’
Student Mental Health Services have been the artisans of questionable psychological advice for many a decade. Helpful suggestions such as “maybe you should drink more water”, “have you tried breathing”, and “pretend your sertraline is a pinger” have, surprisingly, done absolutely fuck all to assuage the worsening mental health crisis.
In the case of one poor little consumptive, these therapeutic ramblings have led to plague, contagion, and a legion of oozing nostrils, for once, not caused by equine tranquiliser. The Whip went to investigate.
‘Well yah I feel like bare people are sick here’ croaks Badock socialite, Letty Gesundheit. ‘And also some people are ill. Like, Tilly is a haemophiliac which is pretty bloody jokes. Charity, well she’s bare vintage, and contracted rubella.’ She pauses to splutter.
‘Anyways, one of my gals recommended the Crystal Girl CBT™ method to alleviate my stress. But when gargling hemp oil whilst hula-hooping a ring of white dreads didn’t work, I decided to turn to the uni mental people’. Letty hacks away. ‘And basos they told me to keep positive’
‘Catching covid was the easy bit — maintaining it is the challenge. But after loads of trying, I’ve found bare ways to remain positive! I’ve got two cardinal rules. Firstly, use your mouth to complete every task: opening doors, carrying the shopping, playing a cheeky game of virtual lacrosse… Secondly, start snogging as a standard greeting. A bit awkward when mummy and daddy come to visit, but after the first oedipal lips you sorta get used to it. We all love a game of tonsil tennis really!’
It seems Letty’s rules work. At the time of writing, every single one of her friends houses the virus. In response, Digs has converted their student property into a massive iron lung. But whilst her bronchial tubes may be suffering, her mental health has never been better!
- 1Greta delivers earth-shattering Motion techno set during Bristol visit
- 2Third year revises so hard that ‘chilled study beats’ becomes actual music taste
- 3Fresher dismayed to find cacti, scratch map and wall hanging not actually substitute for personality
- 4North London fresher’s attempt to start anew ruined as entire sixth form moves to Bristol
- 5Breaking: Theresa May starts filling out extenuating circumstances form