As the zoom ringtone sounds for your first seminar of the week, you cast a cursory glance down at yourself. It’s fine, at least your top half is covered, albeit by a curry stained fresher’s week t-shirt; who’s going to care or even notice if you couldn’t be arsed putting on trousers this morning? Not you!
But suddenly, as the call begins, you can’t help but cower in awe as you observe the other screens…
Tom with his Sellotape-ridden bong proudly astride his desk, Iona’s Tomahawk glistening in the background. Your palms begin to sweat, and your internal monologue screams “this is SUCH big dick energy, how can I become you??”
Now The Whip is proud to release Bristol University’s official list of background items guaranteed to assert your dominance throughout a zoom seminar:
- Used Pizza Box
A laid-back item for a laid-back vibe, this fun little number just screams “I haven’t cleaned my room since moving in”. For added allure, leave your grease-saturated Domino’s box in a dark room for at least two weeks before display, to allow for enough colourful mould to develop.
- Pyramid of Lynx Africa cans
Truly a throwback to the good old days, when times were simpler, and popularity was won by the strategic application of this incomparably sultry scent and its problematic existence. An audible spray of this stuff will show your seminar who’s REALLY top of the pile, if ya catch my drift…
- Dead Plant
Timeless, relatable, slightly depressing; the dead plant says it all! If you don’t have the energy to tell people how downtrodden or sullen you feel, the dead plant relays this message to the world without you having to so much as bat an eyelid, result!
- Impaled head of your sworn enemy
Huzzah, after decades of conflict, victory is yours to display to all the realm! This tried and tested tactic will not only deter the military advances of any neighbouring medieval powers, but will hopefully scare that pretentious prick in plaid into finally shutting up.
- National Trust Membership Card
Goodness me, how did this get here? I thought I’d left that at home…. how embarrassing…