Bristol UK

Judas buys halogen heater for thirty silver pieces

“I was just so fed up of freezing my traitor bollocks off”

October is here: the days are growing shorter, layers are worn inside, and, most importantly, Trump vs Biden style debates are beginning to take place over when the heating should be turned on.

There are, of course, the ones who believe a flat should be colder than the harsh stare you receive from an elderly person after coughing on the tube. These tight-fisted flatmates from hell believe that you should don a full Eskimo snowsuit before even considering turning the heating on. On the other side of the coin are the people who are so terrible with money that they believe bills are a problem of tomorrow, and to worry about heating is tantamount to stealing the coins off of a dead man’s eyes.

These arguments invariably rise to the point that relationships within the house go as cold as the Digs-leased igloo itself. However, in a Whip exclusive we spoke to thrifty student Judas Iscariot, who managed to avoid the whole thorny issue of the temperature debate by purchasing a halogen heater on the sly for only thirty silver coins.

“I was just so fed up of freezing my traitor bollocks off: something had to be done! It was then that I logged onto Amazon and copped a heater.”

Iscariot explains that he was initially confused when he reached the checkout and it wouldn’t accept debit card or PayPal and instead demanded a small, cloth sack of silver coins. He also found it strange that instead of pressing the buzzer to deliver the package, the postman brought along a cockerel that crowed three times to alert him that it had arrived.

We are happy to report that Judas is now blissfully toasty in his room much to the displeasure of his housemates’ electricity bills. Join us next week when we speak to third year student Brutus, who smuggled an electric blanket into his room and smokes in the living room whilst his housemates are out.

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