“Thank God it’s super-gonorrhea, not Covid!” says absolute legend

It is not unknown that once winter hits, when germs are flung around with all the ease and enthusiasm of the ball in a riveting freshers’ game of beer pong, an infection is inevitable.

For returning university students during this pandemic, in their delicious germy bubble, the zeal is threefold: the well-known freshers’ flus and colds make a roaring comeback; the STIs adding a titillating element of spiciness to the student body’s groovy stew of sickness; and ultimately, Covid-19, the cherry-on-top in this winter’s Battle of the Bacteria, advances to consume us all.

One might’ve thought that this year’s university students would have been better at celibacy amidst the potentially debilitating virus, but it seems where flu germs go pheromones follow, like some contagious horny loser.

Of all the STIs, Super-gonorrhea takes the (presumedly soggy) biscuit. SG, as the kids call it, is the Scar to regular gonorrhea’s Mufasa – this winter’s dark horse. So when second-year student, Ivory Clappe, announced her acquisition of the infection, The Whip went to investigate.

Clappe was initially convinced she had Coronavirus, following peer pressure from friends and family. However, after realising that the vigorous pain she was experiencing during urination wasn’t actually a COVID-19 symptom, the second year advanced on Hampton House to solve the case.  

“When I got the initial gonorrhea diagnosis, they gave me a week’s round of antibiotics and told me I couldn’t drink!” scoffs Clappe, “so I was essentially forced into a poppers-only diet.”

“To be honest, I’m pretty impressed by the sheer resilience of her gonorrhea,” said Clappe’s flatmate, a politics student and wanker by default. “An immunity almost as strong as Trump’s immunity to face consequences! Lol!” They erupt in laughter.

“Gonorrhea-valuate my life! Ha ha!” chuckles Clappe. What a joker.