Erecting a brutalist facade and 9 other ways to recreate the ASS in your bedroom

Concrete mixers aren’t *that* hard to operate.

1.) Erecting a brutalist facade.

Concrete mixers aren’t *that* hard to operate. And if your landlord says anything, let them know that not only do you know your rights, but you also understand his penny-pinching for what it is — another tool of bourgeois oppression. Fight the power! Fuck the Tories! Woo, yeah! Get that mixer, crank up WAP (weeping ass proletariat) and install that facade. Not just because we told you to, but because you have nothing to lose but your chains.

2.) Invite your friends round!

What’s better than the post-lecture, pre-Sainsbury’s ASS trip with all your homies, your slimes, your friends? Nothing. So, if you really want to recreate the ASS, make sure you get them all over. Assemble yourselves in attack formation, and get ready for the procrastination, the gossip, and, if you have friends like mine, a group cry in the men’s. 

3.) Invite your enemies round.

Your library ex, loud whisperers, that one librarian that hates you, and, of course, that one Liberian warlord. Another beautiful thing about the ASS is the balance of good and evil. The brutal morning rat race with other students that are you enemies, but  don’t know, but sort of do know… you know? These new predetermined library slots have reinforced the age-old rule of ‘you snooze you lose’. Enemies don’t snooze and neither should you. Read Sun Tzu for fucks sake!

4.) Eye-fucking. 

In terms of student pandemics, coronavirus comes second only to the feeling of eternal loneliness that is sweeping Bristol. Hinge, tinder, bumble? Don’t waste my time. They’d never achieve the thrill that comes from receiving a prolonged, provocative glance from across the lib. There are many ways of recreating this magical sexual neuro-nirvana we all long for, but one stands out for us: simply using a mirror! I know what you’re thinking, “I can’t eye fuck myself.” But you’ve got to grow up because you are not bigger than this. Also, it actually works pretty well because you know that, just this once, they’re into it too. 

5.) Loud whisperers that don’t know they’re loud. 

Get some bastards to come over and whisper about some stupid shit behind you whilst you work. This is authentic. But what is more authentic is the internal feeling of anger that will bubble up inside.

6.) Smoking.

Create a designated smoking area outside your newly constructed brutalist facade, erect “no smoking signs” in this smoking area, and have a moderately tetchy librarian tell the smokers to move along. A thrilling experience for all parties involved! 

7.) Around a thousand students 


8.) Nap room 

Mate, it’s your bedroom, don’t overthink this one… But don’t you dare try and use your bed! Knock down a wall into the next room and chuck a beanbag in there. Don’t forget to get your mates to come in loudly as soon as you finally nod off,  leaving you disgruntled and even more tired than before.

9.) Books 

Obviously. If you think you’ve got too many, you probably haven’t. And if you have books which are slightly obscure, perhaps banned in some countries for inciting violence and hatred, use these too for the forbidden section. Oh… you didn’t know? What did you think those basement floors of the ASS were for? 

10.) Source Café.

Secure a franchise deal and build a Source Café in your flatmate’s room. I’m sure they won’t mind! Get your pals to queue up outside and rave about how ‘cheap and peng’ the food is. It really is, promise!


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