“Everything reminds me of him” sobs man gagging on Covid swab

As a certain cheeky little virus ravages the planet, the feckless masses have been forced to seek refuge in their own homes. Lucky for those smug fuckers who are coupled up, but for the rest of us solitary saddos it’s been a little bit shit. Isolation has left many of us touch-starved and hungry, ravenous even, for but a singular brush of the skin. Trapped in an actionless box, we are mere sharks in the SWX R&B room that is life: empty, dejected, a smidgen horny, but ultimately alone. 

Fortunately, due to current technological advances, many of these carnal cravings can be digitally gratified. Take virtual mutual masturbation, for example. It’s not as hard.. sorry, difficult as you might think! All you need is a half-decent wifi connection, a helping hand and a spunky, can-do attitude. The same can be said for getting a mate to read you wattpad fanfiction over the phone: it’s a piece of piss once you get over the bestial undertones! Some frisky fellas are rejecting modernity and embracing tradition, however, using more analogue means to get their rocks off. The Whip spoke to second year, Eton Cox, who did just that at a recent Covid screening.

‘Well it was just the classic Covid test really’ he says sheepishly. ‘I had revised hard; bought the CGP guide and all. But, somehow, I must have missed the section on gag reflexes.”

“It was only when the doctor’s hand was halfway down my gullet that I’d realised what I’d gotten myself into” A good time, that’s what. “But for some reason, as I gagged on the scrubbed-up finger, tickling my tonsils, I couldn’t help but think of my ex. Everything reminds me of him!” He sobs. “But at least now I know how to simulate that stimulation.”

As of this article’s publication, Mr. Cox has been finding new and innovative ways to excite his esophagus, so please, we implore you, lock away your cotton buds when he’s around.