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Boris Johnson clarifies that face coverings are mandatory in public as long as you’re not Muslim

“It’s important to appease white Christians at a time like this”

In a recent statement to Parliament Boris Johnson has announced that “every person has a patriotic duty to cover their face in public, uhh, unless they happen to be Muslim and female”.

“Bank robbers… shit, I mean Muslim women must not cover their faces in case the non-Muslim, face-covering public think they’re acting suspiciously.”

This bizarre announcement attracted a large amount of criticism from the Islamic community as well as those awake at the time, labeling the PM as ‘bigoted’, ‘prejudiced’ and ‘a tosser’.

Later that day, Boris Johnson clarified the new rules at a press conference. In an alarmingly staccato rhythm Johnson declared: “we must all do our best to remain positive during these testing times, whilst also making sure we do not test positive for Covid-19. Haha”

This was met with silence.

“It is essential that whilst people are gathering in groups of 6, 30 and 15 in both indoor and outdoor spaces, all people in shops must wear face masks at all times. However, whilst everyone, including Muslim women, must wear face masks, Muslim women must not hide their faces under any circumstances, in case ordinary, I mean other members of the public get confused. It is vital to appease white Christians at a time like this. Is that clear?”

Johnson’s sentiment echoes earlier clarifications this month from Home Secretary Priti Patel, reinstating that social distancing is mandatory as long as you’re not an asylum seeker, in which case you will be processed in an inescapably cramped detention center in Central London.

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