‘On a ping and a prayer’: Trinity Centre to host kneel down raves

Sit down raves have become the norm these days: groups of six confined to homey picnic tables, chaining terrible rollies, surgical masks hiding their vicious gurns. Not to miss out on the action, Trinity Centre has been the latest to hop on this lockdown rave bandwagon. However, keeping in check with its Christian roots, instead of offering tables, patrons will be kneeling down whilst attending their soirées. We spoke to bright-eyed and bushy-tailed second year raver, Jacob Fruste-Tunde, who attended the most recent saintly shindig that Trinity hosted.

 “Yeah g, that was the duttiest church sesh I’ve been to since that one chapel service back at Eton where we sang both Jerusalem and the national anthem.” When asked what the music was like, Jacob elaborated. “Ah my guy it absolutely slapped. Serotonin Depletion B2B Bladder Issuez dropped a dubplate of I Vow To Thee My Country which was pure filth — shit absolutely went off!” He went on to explain that he had a full-on religious experience whilst he was there.

 “The communion was like nothing I had ever seen before. First of all, they must have ran out of wafers because I was given a small piece of paper with Bart Simpson on it instead. Second of all, they must have messed up when doing the order for the whole blood of Christ bit because I was given a sip of Red Stripe instead. Anyway, after about 10 minutes I started feeling really weird and ended up bathed in total euphoria for a while — I’m pretty sure that I actually met God! He was a pretty calm bloke but after raving with him for a little bit I got attacked by a treacherous hoard of demons. Now that was pretty peak.”

 The Whip eagerly awaits to see what devout disorderliness Trinity has got in store for us in the future. Join us next week to find out.

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