Churchill crystal girl realigns her chakraahs

With the credibility of modern medicine flung out carelessly the window like a cigarette butt, Gen Z are increasingly turning towards ancient forms of healing to navigate today’s tumultuous age of ambiguity.

The Whip gets an exclusive lowdown with first-year Katie Wiltshire, about to realign her chakras straight from her halls of residence. Wiltshire is swaddled in a chiffon tunic when we meet her, and glides around her room in a mystical, yet extremely annoying Bohemian-esque way. The potent smoke of incense sits heavy in the air, adding a thrilling risk of asphyxiation to this journalistic excursion.

Wiltshire commenced her procurement of crystals following a particularly traumatic break up on her gap year. “Fergus broke my heart,” she wailed, her veil of metaphysical togetherness wobbling somewhat. “I only got with two of his lifelong best mates in front of him at the Full Moon Party. Ugh men are trash.” She fiddles with the beads in her singular blonde dreadlock.

Luckily after the ordeal, Wiltshire befriended a self-proclaimed Australian shaman in a Tokyo sake bar, who helped her find solace through rose quartz.

“Yah, I’ve totally been enlightened. That’s the problem with the modern world – bad vibes everywhere, ya know?” she pauses momentarily, distracted by a TikTok notification. “Anyway, boyfriends are like ket really, seems like a fun idea ‘coz everyone’s doing it but stick with it for too long and you’re stuck in a quadriplegic dimension where you’re like a mule in a donkey’s world.” We had no idea what this meant.

“Practising Buddhism has done bits for my mental health. Guess what my mates and I call ourselves? The holistic whores.” She laughed vociferously for five minutes. “And like, truly, I never even think about Fergus anymore.” Wiltshire concluded, convincing nobody.