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Taking your mask off to cough and other ways to break through the space-time continuum

Break through this awful linear landscape toward something more manageable

Do you hate time? Do you love freedom from the physical laws that bind us all?

With the world gone bonkers and the public absolutely insatiable for more media content, The Whip is ripe and ready with a number of nifty hacks to help you break through this awful linear landscape toward something more manageable. 

1.) Stalking yourself on social media.

Always good to know and stay anxiously aware of how others see you- now you can do it 24/7. Through your own eyes you will see exactly how they see you, through the pictures and opinions you have associated with your personality. 

Rumour has it if you stare at your own profile picture long enough the universe will collapse in on itself from sheer exhaustion. 

2.) Asking your therapist about their childhood.

Honestly, the least you could do after how long you went on about Dierdre, the blind but curious gerbil.

3.) Taking your mask off to cough.

Although people who do this look like they’ve forgotten the last 8 months, what they’re actually doing is confusing the virus by apparent stupidity, a well known technique among Western heads of state and that old guy on the bus in front of you. 

4.) Sitting pensively on a bench overlooking someone else’s home town.

What happened here? Who even cares?

5.) Being attracted to people who are attracted to you.

Now this one sounds strange but it’s actually a tradition used by ancient Venetians and the well-adjusted to form lasting relationships. Will report back when we know more.

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