This Wednesday the Office for National Statistics released a damning report on the current state of universities in Britain. The revelations of the 55 page document were hardly unexpected: reports of larger class sizes, degrading facilities, and the discovery that the boy who sits next to you in an empty lecture theatre does in fact pull his trousers all the way down at the urinal were all confirmed.
The correlation was made clear by the creation of the B.U.M. ratio (Below the Urinal, Mate), which maps the relationship between trouser sag at urinal and management performance. Universities such as Oxford and Cambridge had a normal, albeit slightly too high, ratio of 0.1, whereas Bristol, Leeds and Manchester had a rather strong B.U.M correlation of 0.82 — whatever that means! The Whip spoke to Jessica Rolfe, a third year psychology student, regarding the breakthrough.
“Yeah like random boys sit next to me now and again, but urm… I had never noticed anything strange? Although… this one time, a boy who sat next to me had his leg stuck in his zipper. I didn’t say anything though, because I didn’t want to embarrass him”. A single tear rolled down her face, prompted by the sudden realisation that all the horrors regarding those boys were true.
We asked Hugh Brady for a comment on BUMs in the little boy’s room but he declined to answer.