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Bristol UK

Boris Johnson Announces National Letdown

Lockdown 2: Tokyo Drift

Our lord and saviour Boris Johnson has just announced another national letdown, to the dismay of literally everyone save those cavalier bananas who cannot wait to be unpeeled, whisked away and thoroughly baked. 

‘Lockdown 2: the Squeakqual’ though sure to be wackier and far worse than the original, may offer some well needed resolution to the weird empty chaos that was Marjuly. Safe to say this is pretty grim news, and coinciding with seasonal affective disorder should make for one pretty wacky winter. 

So what can be done? When you’re not rewatching Veep or lovingly stroking your friends icons on messenger, there are a number of funky, fresh and fruity-licious things you can do in attempts not to dissociate.

These include:

  • Rewatching a childhood film and discovering that it sucks- Wait, that guy’s a rapist?
  • Going outside. It’s going to become a bit of an exotic excursion again but it’s a good enough hobby during an apocalypse. We would also recommend listening to a cool band like Joy Division or any really where the band members were clinically depressed and all hated each other- sure to give your walk the alternative, coming of age vibes we all crave.
  • Reach out to an old associate online just to reinstate why you can’t and shouldn’t be friends- you don’t like each other and you both know it. Lockdown’s for expressing all kinds of hidden feelings not just the horny ones. 
  • Smile at yourself in the mirror. Then bite your lip, lean in and just bloody go for it. 

So there you have it- lockdown? What lockdown? Before you know it, it’ll be December 3rd and you’ll wish you were stuck inside again.

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