Bristol UK

BREAKING: 2020 is not hell, it is purgatory

Welcome to The Möbius Strip of Perpetual Anxiety!

Amid the chaos of this morning’s political landscape, a senior aide from the pits of hell has publicly dispelled his organisation’s authority of this calendar year, saying, “This is purgatory.” Beelzebub Jr. Jr., a thin gargoyle-like creature, seemed distressed in his announcement, reiterating, “This is a bit intense, even for us!”

Drawing on the founding pillars of the underworld, ‘Vengeance, Violence and VaVaVoom,’ Beelzebub Jr. Jr. admonishes 2020’s lack of creativity, flair, or clarity in its turmoil. Speaking with The Whip, he argued,

“Dread, existential floundering, a constant feeling of you putting your hand in your pocket and your phone not being there, that’s not us! Purgatory dines out on that kind of anxious uncertainty, it funds their fucking staff parties that they never stop going on about, ‘Oh, guess what game we play?’ ‘Oh, haha, I don’t know Jeremiah, is it limbo, you prick?’”

It may be some comfort to readers that we are not in hell, but many have questioned whether eternal damnation could be better. One groaning man with grey skin and two empty plastic bags tied to his hands said, unprompted, “At least there’d be stability, security, some kind of sense of future. At least I’d feel something.”

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